Admission: I am Jealous

Warning, way random, changes directions 3ish times... sry just me. :)

So I was looking at a few friends pictures recently, whom shall remain nameless, and I found myself coveting their lifestyle. It's not that I want their stuff, its not my "style", I just want the ability to take a romantic weekend away with my husband. I mean, we are newly weds, aren't we supposed to spend the first year of marriage fritting about and taking a few long weekends, enjoying us? I see people getting bigger places, and look at my crammed one bedroom apartment, overflowing STILL with unpacked boxes, wishing it were a two bedroom. I see people buying new furniture, and I look at the two couches, and dinning room set Matt and I have, all free, all older than we are. I see people planing vacations, and I'm looking at our bank account trying to figure out what two people could do for less than $400 if we can even save that much. I'm not saying all of this to have a pity party or to try and make people feel sorry for me. I honestly am so very thankful that Matt and I have all we do. We took a total leap of faith when we got married with no job security because it was what God called us to, I just want more...

I feel guilty for wanting more. Whenever I get like this, I look at the pictures I have from Kenya. Of people who have literally nothing. I am reminded that I really should be thankful. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, who loves me and would do nearly anything to make me happy. I job, that I LOVE serving in a local church teaching Jesus to kids. I have so much to be thankful for, it is sometimes hard for me to not secretly want a new wardrobe, to be able to go out to a nice dinner with my husband, to be able to fix our car and put money in our savings account.

For now, this is where God has us, and I am reminded to be thankful for all I have, to be joyful for those who have more, and to pray for those who need more.

Is it wrong to want this blog to be meaningful? I do, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. *sigh, life is crazy and I don't have time to put a ton of effort into this, but at the same time, I guess I want more than I can put it, which I know isn't possible. I feel like I'm just living life, nothing fun/exciting or anything like that. Just living life, moving 100 mph and not actually connecting with anyone. I feel as if my friendships are drifting away slowly, like my friends are all at an arms length. Matt and I never get invited anywhere anymore. We host a game night once a week, and that is good for connecting, and we have our life group which is also good. I just feel like the deeper relationships aren't happening and its frustrating me to no end. Just my little rant, about life going to fast, and reminding myself that I need to slow down and invest my time in the right things. If I don't plan to do it, it wont happen...

Wind in my sails

God's word is my strength when I have none, my encouragement when all seems bleak, it is the truth that all truth is from.

Psalm 40:1-3

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

This is in specific regards to my post earlier this week. God is good. I have so much going on in my ministry it is exciting that whenever I get discouraged, God gives me what I need to go on. I know that I am where God has called me, and that is exciting!

Blogging

Prompt from Tabitha's blog for a cool giveaway: Tell me about a time when blogging changed your life...

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you did an art project? Regardless of how awkward it looked, your mother would look at it and tell you that it was the best picture she had ever seen. It didn't matter if your horse looked more like a shoe, or if your house looked like a monkey, your art was good. As a kid, you could draw anything you wanted, you could fearlessly create, knowing that your mom would love it.

I still love to be creative, but one can't get away with shoe's for horses and get someone to tell you your picture looks good at the age of 23. You see, I love to sing and write lyrics, but none are "good enough" to be more than mere journal entries and my voice is causes those sitting near me in church on Sundays to scoot a bit further away. I love to paint and create art, but it ends up looking like an elementary kid did it, and is not something that should be hung anywhere except maybe my mom's fridge. I love to be crafty and do things like scrapbook, quilt, sew, etc, yet each of these endeavors never measures up to the grand image I have in my head of what they are "supposed" to look like. Most of all, I love to write. I have secret dreams of becoming an author. Being given enough inspiration to write something that will be meaningful to people. Something that would make a difference, something that would help others in some way. I feel like I can express myself through words, it is a talent however I feel I do not have. I have always had a journal/diary/blog and been able to write as much as I wanted. Most of my blog posts over the years have been private because I either was uncomfortable sharing what was going on with others, or I feared that my blogging material was "inadequate" or would be a boar for my friends to read.

I have had this blog for almost 5 years now and publicly haven't done much with it. Before this I had a livejournal, a xanga and other online blogy type things where I would share my thoughts and experiences in life with friends, and they would comment on them. At some point, I stopped because people either stopped reading/commenting/caring about what I wrote. I mean I'm only 23, when I write about my life, only those close to me would care. When I write about my experiences, I am not eloquent enough to have followers, I used to feel that if no one was reading it, there was no point to putting it out there. Then something happened. I don't know if it was a sudden or a gradual realization, but all of the sudden I realized that my blog was for me. It didn't matter if no one read it, it was for me. It was for me to express myself however "good" or "bad" the blog was by other's standards doesn't matter. This blog is my outlet to be creative, something I love to do, something that gives me joy.

Blogging changed me, it made me realize that doing your best and putting it out for the world to see is something for me. It is my outlet, and my canvas to make whatever I want happen. Making this realization in blogging has helped open my eyes to other things that I feel I'm "not good at" and to not be scared of them. It has helped give me back the fearless attitude I had as a kid, and I'm better for it.

what is this?

Warning, rambling feelings that I'm trying to process ahead, proceed with caution, and don't read too much into them, just sending it out into the world...

I'm in a funk... I don't know what it is or how to shake it. I have a lack of motivation, a lack of caring. I still want to do things, I just feel like I have no energy to do them, it is a very frustrating thing for me. I feel like sleeping more than I should, I want to do nothing, literally nothing! I still love my life, love my job, my husband, etc... I just wish I knew where this feeling was coming from and how to make it go away. I have the desire to do other things, its the I want to do ______ but when it comes time to do it, all of the sudden its gone. *sigh. I want out of this funk. I want back to my normal life, where I'm full of energy and ready to do anything. I'm sure it will pass, I am still able to get done what needs to be done... I just wish I had more motivation. What is this feeling?

Wedding Day- fun pictures

So I finally married the love of my life on September 5th 2009. The day started pretty early for me as my hair appointment was at 7:30. We then went to the wedding venue Woodhaven Country club, and started the rest of the getting ready process. Miss Alexa did my makeup

Then I got to get into my beautiful wedding gown... which had been sitting in a closet for nearly the entire 2+ year engagement!

I had real buttons on it, so my girls had to button them all up, it was really great to have so many wonderful friends around me as I was getting ready.

Here is a close up shot of my train, garter and shoes. Yes I wore flip-flops!

A glamor shot of my dress, this is why I love it, look at the back!

FINALLY the time came, and my daddy got to walk me down the aisle to Star wars... all of Matt's friends thought I was the coolest! Don't worry I took the pretty part from the ceremony at the end of the 6th and cut if off before the them song started. :)

We were blessed to have my boss, and pastor Mark do the ceremony for us. It was really simple and sweet.
Both Matt and I REALLY enjoyed this part. Lol, I was so not expecting him to be so passionate! We both decided that our favorite part of the wedding was being pronounced man and wife, and then hearing the applause and cheers from our family and friends as we were presented.
We had the MOST AWESOME cake ever! There were hidden Mickey's on it!
Here is one of the portrait pics...
We ate...
Danced...
and RAN FOR IT!
We are now enjoying our happily after.

All of these pictures were captured by the amazing Katie McGiohn!

Formal shots coming soon!

2010 wow!

I know I have completely neglected this blog! Here is a quick update of the last few months as well as a few goals for the next year:

August: Was crazy planing for and prepping for the amazing wedding that I have been waiting so long to have. Matt started to move into the apartment, and honestly, it was a complete blur full of wedding crazies and unfortunately some wedding drama, but I suppose that can never be avoided.

September: I married the man of my dreams. After nearly 3 years together we finally got married and got to go on our honeymoon. I will be posting a full wedding details list later, as well as a few honeymoon pictures.

October: Was full of October Blast planing, and trying to get back into ministry after a week honeymoon and trying to settle into a routine of being married, working full time, and being involved in many things. It was fun and went way too fast!

November: Started the rush of the holidays as well as a very important event, I became "Pastor of Children's Ministries". I am now a licensed pastor! It is what God has called me to and I'm very excited about it!

December: Christmas was crazy, honestly it really went from the week before Thanksgiving to the week after Christmas. We spent tons of time with family, and most of our time in LA/OC it was crazy! Also, Matt's mom got good news of being able to take a 6-12 month break from chemo! A huge blessing and Christmas present for her!

Honestly the last few months have been such a blur, I'm loving being married to the love of my life it is honestly the most amazing thing ever!

A few goals for the new year (in random order with little detail):

• Become a blogger by posting to this blog and my other ministry blog at least 2x's a month, plus my work blog 1x a week
• Become healthier by working out and eating better
• Become more organized by devoting time to organizing 1x a week
• Become a better Christ-follower by going deeper in my walk and sticking to my "JAM" times
• Become a better wife, friend, pastor and person by developing my character and being open to criticism, and DOING something about it.
• Become more disciplined in all areas of my life.

Maybe once I build my blog up a bit more, I'll start sharing the link with more people but until then, the few people who still check this... stay with me, more WILL be coming... even though this is like the 3rd time I've said that. LOL!