I know I don't write like I should...

So much has happened in my life. God is stretching me so much right now, its to a point where I feel like I'm going to snap. I am so thankful for Matt, I know he feels so helpless in this situation right now. I am so thankful that he will sit next to me, hold me and then pray for me. What a huge blessing in my life. I sit here with my cup of noodles, wondering how and when God is going to provide for me. I know He will, its not a question of that, it is when and how. It also is a matter of will I let Him. I am so proud, I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting that if I don't find a second job or a better one soon, I will be forced to move home and live with my parents. I will be forced to make a new life for myself back where I grew up and will be far away from the people i love who support me the most. I don't know if that's God's plan... to force me to move home. Or if He just wants me to trust him. I'm so mixed right now, and I'm so ... *le sighhhhhhhh* I have no idea what is going on and I'm just trusting and praying and praying and trusting and I"m not sure what He will do, which is always scary. Please pray for me, as God is pulling me and molding me and I feel as if I am barely holding on. Yet I know that He will be there to catch me if I can't.

How would you live it...

Would the actions of your daily life change, if there were hidden camera's everywhere and that footage would be broadcasted throughout the world?

Sometimes I wish reality TV were actually real. I wish that I had a camera following me around, examining my every word, action and reaction to life. How much better would I behave? What in my life would change if I knew that my words would come back to the person I said looked fat in that dress? What about the dirty look I gave behind my mom's back after she asked me to do something I didn't want to do? All these little things that we think we do in secret. What would happen if they were broadcasted for all to see? Would we loose friendships? Would we be seen as a different person? Would we change how we act?

How we act when we think no one is looking is an indicator of our hearts condition. It is our true self, and how we really feel. Here is the kicker. Not only does God see all of these little things we do, he actually sees the condition of our heart. He actually knows all of the dirty thoughts and feelings that cause these little expressions. Personally, my heart is hard, and I am a sinner, and if people saw these little things I do and say, they most likely wouldn't care for me any more. Let alone if they knew what my wicked heart was actually thinking. God knows all of these things, and still LOVES ME! God loves me regardless of all the wickedness that is in my heart. He forgives me and wants to make me a better person. God knows all the little wicked areas of my life that I would much rather forget about and ignore. Because he loves me, he shows them to me, and helps me work on them. He is like my reality TV cameras, except so much better, because he is on my side giving me strength and knows me better than I know myself.

So comming back worked well

So me and returning to blog spot didn't really happen... I think I'm going to change this into a me working out my thoughts and beliefs on socity and what is going on in the world as well as movie reviews and things of that nature, not so much personal stuff and more stuff random people in cyberspace would want to read... or maybe I will start an entirely new blog to do that and leave this more personal.. not sure yet, but here are some awesome and recent photo's of Matt and I and then my graduation....