I know I don't write like I should...

So much has happened in my life. God is stretching me so much right now, its to a point where I feel like I'm going to snap. I am so thankful for Matt, I know he feels so helpless in this situation right now. I am so thankful that he will sit next to me, hold me and then pray for me. What a huge blessing in my life. I sit here with my cup of noodles, wondering how and when God is going to provide for me. I know He will, its not a question of that, it is when and how. It also is a matter of will I let Him. I am so proud, I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting that if I don't find a second job or a better one soon, I will be forced to move home and live with my parents. I will be forced to make a new life for myself back where I grew up and will be far away from the people i love who support me the most. I don't know if that's God's plan... to force me to move home. Or if He just wants me to trust him. I'm so mixed right now, and I'm so ... *le sighhhhhhhh* I have no idea what is going on and I'm just trusting and praying and praying and trusting and I"m not sure what He will do, which is always scary. Please pray for me, as God is pulling me and molding me and I feel as if I am barely holding on. Yet I know that He will be there to catch me if I can't.

How would you live it...

Would the actions of your daily life change, if there were hidden camera's everywhere and that footage would be broadcasted throughout the world?

Sometimes I wish reality TV were actually real. I wish that I had a camera following me around, examining my every word, action and reaction to life. How much better would I behave? What in my life would change if I knew that my words would come back to the person I said looked fat in that dress? What about the dirty look I gave behind my mom's back after she asked me to do something I didn't want to do? All these little things that we think we do in secret. What would happen if they were broadcasted for all to see? Would we loose friendships? Would we be seen as a different person? Would we change how we act?

How we act when we think no one is looking is an indicator of our hearts condition. It is our true self, and how we really feel. Here is the kicker. Not only does God see all of these little things we do, he actually sees the condition of our heart. He actually knows all of the dirty thoughts and feelings that cause these little expressions. Personally, my heart is hard, and I am a sinner, and if people saw these little things I do and say, they most likely wouldn't care for me any more. Let alone if they knew what my wicked heart was actually thinking. God knows all of these things, and still LOVES ME! God loves me regardless of all the wickedness that is in my heart. He forgives me and wants to make me a better person. God knows all the little wicked areas of my life that I would much rather forget about and ignore. Because he loves me, he shows them to me, and helps me work on them. He is like my reality TV cameras, except so much better, because he is on my side giving me strength and knows me better than I know myself.

So comming back worked well

So me and returning to blog spot didn't really happen... I think I'm going to change this into a me working out my thoughts and beliefs on socity and what is going on in the world as well as movie reviews and things of that nature, not so much personal stuff and more stuff random people in cyberspace would want to read... or maybe I will start an entirely new blog to do that and leave this more personal.. not sure yet, but here are some awesome and recent photo's of Matt and I and then my graduation....

So I think I'm back to stay

This is my new favorite picture in the world... Thanks to my amazing FMIL who is awesome with a camera!




I have decided that I need to document the next year of my life for many reasons.

1) I am horrible at keeping a journal, but I love going back and seeing what God has done in my life

2) I love pictures, and want to stay in contact with everyone now that I am not in college.

3) This is my last year as a single crazy girl

4) I need space to create and make my own...



Be patient with me as this is a work in progress...



For starters... my amazing night tonight.

We played pictionary and BANG. This is the original Monday night game crew. We had a reunion tonight, because Mike and Katherine were back for Christmas from Co. I forgot how much I missed game nights. They are a great time to relax and have lots of fun with friends. Plus you get amazing inside jokes like cheese broccoli pizza. :)

Christmas

And now Christmas was fun, my grandparents from Chicago were in... this is Matt and I with them in front of our tree...

Matt got me this amazing necklace, which I absolutely LOVE! :) Thanks Matt!

back for now

I am back to blogger... I'm not sure if I will stay or not, but I am considering making this more of a way to talk about stuff in the world rather than my own stuff which if you care, will be on my xanga. So as soon as finals are over and in case I don't die (being as sick as I am), I will make my first post.

LEAVING TODAY!!! :) oh yeah! ROCK OF AGES is gonna ROCK!

*sigh* This week is over, it has been a good, but HORRIBLY busy week. Tomorrow I get to go on my second road trip of the semester and go to an AMAZING concert! Very excited. God has been so good to me, so loving, forgiving, so amazing.... *sigh* even though things are hard, life is very very good!
Asb

How good is God?

My God is so good
So strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God can not do (for you!)

Simple kids praise songs are running through my head, and they make me happy (not ones like "Father Abe" but ones w/ good theology in them) How good is our God? How strong and mighty is He? What things can He not do? As God is continuing to challenge and streach me and break me in pretty much every aspet of my life, I will continue to praise His name and depend on Him for my foundation, becauses there's nothing my God can no do!

There's something, about the mountains....

The retreat was AMAZING!
There's something, about the mountains....
I know its a mis-quote, however it is so true!

This weekend was AMAZING! The stars, I saw 5 shooting stars! It was insane, I climbed a waterfall, layed in the middle of the street star gazing, had some AMAZING conversations w/ people, and hung out w/ my Savior. It was such an awesome weekend where God challenged me and stretched me alot. As I continue to process what He showed me this weekend, I will say He renewed a passion for people that I have been seriously lacking latly. I have avoided my friends, avioded conversations, avoided lots of things, for different reasons. However, people is one thing that I am going to stop avoiding... and start pursuing again. Inisigating one-on-ones, really getting to know people's hearts and trueselves. So if any of you reading this would like a "one-on-one" consider this an invite. (I do have 2 HUGE exams this week, one being a mid-term) so know it may not happen soon, but it will happen!

Good bye for now

Sooo I leave in and hour and a half for this thing called an Ambassador's retreat... it should be fun... key being should, I have 2 HUGE exams this week both on Thursday, so needless to say, instead of hanging out with everyone, I will be burring my head in a book durring all of the free time EXCEPT the hike, bucause thats just awesome! lol I should be back sunday, but if you all could keep me in your prayers this weekend, especially Sunday afternoon, that would rock (I have issues in car rides, we were in a accident last year) so ya ttyl!
Ash

Please pray

So, God is really awesome. It is so like Him to use my Sunday school lesson to smack me upside the head, and then to really show me at Singspo what He meant. The story today was the tower or babble… and how people thought their plans were better than Gods… We each have our own towers of babble, things that we don't ask God about, and things that we just do with out consulting Him. My line of thought has always been, God I'm serving you, see? Not, Lord, where do you want me to serve you? As far as my current role of service, the church that I'm at needs me, but I'm not sure that is where God wants me… I never really asked Him what He wanted me to do… I just assumed that since the doors were flying open, that I was supposed to go through them and that It was God opening them, I had all these reasons why I should do this internship, things like how good it would look on my resume, the great experience it would be, the coolness of being mentored by someone whom was mentored by my dad. It was nothing like what God was really calling me too. As I am praying for this matter, please pray for discernment in this matter. I would really like for God's will to take place and not mine, for His plans are so much better than I could ever make for myself. I want His will not mine. I really haven't been seeking His will, I have just been being…and living un-dependent on my Lord and Savior. Now I'm not saying that I need to quit my internship, but I really need to sort out if it is what God is wanting for me in my life right now. Also, my home church is currently suffering and I feel a longing to be there and help… Is this from God? Please pray for me as I am praying for God's guidance. Thanks!

Ash

WARNING LONG DATING RANT:

My responsces and questions raised by these to articles... (read the articals before replying please, it will make more sence)

Interesting article on women dating and still being single
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001135.cfm

Defending the previous article
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001145.cfm

What is the balance of putting your self in situations where you can possibly get married, while still being continent?

How do you live life being happy where you are and still longing for more?

How do you present your self in today culture as "available and looking" but dependent on the Lord, while keeping yourself from looking like a store window w/ a "Sale" sign on it?

Is it possible to portray yourselves to guys as a girl who is content w/ who she is but wants more, with out scarring a guy away or sending mixed signals?

If you are genuinely around guys that you could see as "potential husbands" and are NEVER asked out by a man, how are you supposed to take this article. (one of my friends has never been asked out, is an AMAZING Christian woman who longs to be married, but has never even come close to having an opportunity)

Why does dating and marriage in the Christian culture today have to be so dang confusing? Why does it have to be that everyone has an option on the subject and there is no end to it. The real problem here is, that there are so many "Christian" ideas out there on how men and women should act, weather it be dating, courtship, women being content as singles and using this "special season" to be more intimate w/ God, women putting themselves in situations where they can get husbands before its too late, men taking the initiative, women taking the initiative…no wonder everyone is confused and no one knows how to act and what to do. I have read tons of Christian dating books that all have a different way of going about this, a different way of viewing scriptures, a different method…. What is with that?

This whole thing is so frustrating to me… I long to be married, but that isn’t where I am right now, and so I need to be content in that. How do I show that I am content in my life right now with out being the two extremes:

1) Acting like "hey guys I'm available"

2) Being "so content" that guys don't want to approach me because they think I'm happy where I am and so why bother?

This is an interesting point and raises interesting questions several which I will ask and hopefully get back to answering these later.

1) what is the balance a Christian woman should have while being content w/ her current life and identity in Christ and showing that she is looking for something more?

2) How should Christian men go about pursuing the opposite sex?

3) How should this "pursuing" take place, and what should it look like?

4) How am I supposed to act as a single woman living in today's society? (ie should I focus on my carrer and hope God brings a man my way? Should I put my self in places I am most likely to find a guy? Should I focus on God, which always should be my focus, but in a more only me and God kind of way. Should I make it known that I am "available and looking? ect)

More to come when I have time later

So I still avoid the lobby, I don't mean to really, I just do… Maybe its me, maybe I just don't fit in any more, or maybe I am avoiding people still… which is a possibility. I just don't really know how to feel… I am so frazzled, so upset, so sad, so joyus, so everything at once I don't know how to react. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to morn. I just am so unsure of myself that I don’t know what to do, or how to act.

Lord,

Help me I don't know anything about me. You know me better than I could ever know myself. You know every moment, every thought, every word, every everything I know or do. Please help me to trust you more, and lean on you so that you are the one supporting my every step. You are my air, you are my life, you are my everything… help me to live like I really believe that. Praise you Father for you are good.

In Jesus name,

Ash

So I still avoid the lobby, I don't mean to really, I just do… Maybe its me, maybe I just don't fit in any more, or maybe I am avoiding people still…

So I still avoid the lobby, I don't mean to really, I just do… Maybe its me, maybe I just don't fit in any more, or maybe I am avoiding people still… which is a possibility. I just don't really know how to feel… I am so frazzled, so upset, so sad, so joyus, so everything at once I don't know how to react. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to morn. I just am so unsure of myself that I don’t know what to do, or how to act.

Lord,

Help me I don't know anything about me. You know me better than I could ever know myself. You know every moment, every thought, every word, every everything I know or do. Please help me to trust you more, and lean on you so that you are the one supporting my every step. You are my air, you are my life, you are my everything… help me to live like I really believe that. Praise you Father for you are good.

In Jesus name,

Ash

So I discoverd this weekend that my mom has to have another back surgury... I think that is what is bothering me the most right now... well ya its a long story but we have been fighting Workmans Comp for 7 years to get her the proper treatment... however, they keep being huge pains. If you could keep my family in your prayers that would be awesome. The first surgery had my mom in bed for a month strait... we had to rent a hospital bed and keep it in the living room so she could be a part of the family and so she could get out of bed. I had seeing my mom in pain... and i know she is in alot. Lets hope she can find a Dr, who will tell WC the results of the tests, and that she can find a good surgen, since hers moved down here and she needs to do post- op things w/ a dr. Though maybe she could crash in my room (j/k Mandy and Laura)... :) But ya, Dan is leaving siren...My friends are hurting and I can't help... I need sleep... huge project due 2morrow and I feel like I have done absolutely nothing... again, tons to do... I must run sleep is what I need now. Please keep me and my family in your prayers... this is a very hard, and emotional time for me.

I am so sad and totally bummed right now, I find out today that my college pastor is leaving, and tomorrow is his last day. I have no possible way to get home, because my parent's told me that I'm not allowed to drive, or to take my car. What is the point of me even having a dang car unless i'm allowed to use it? I mean come on! I am so hurt and sad right now, it is unbeleivable. If I wasn't so scared of the San Bernidino bus stop I would totally take the Grey Hound... but no it isn't a good idea. I wish that I could feel a peace w/ me staying home but I don't. My heart aches for my home church body, and longs to be with them durring this sensitive time. I want to see Kelly and Dan one more time in the church that I have called my own for the majority of my life. I want to hug my brothers and sisters in Christ who are greiving this loss to our community. Dan has meant so much to me in my spiritual life, it is hard to see him go... I always took it for granted that I could come home and waltz into his office or hear him on a sunday nite... but now he is gone, and my parent's aren't letting me say goodbye... I have too many past regreats of not saying goodbye so this is the hardest thing in the world for me...I don't know how to handle it. Lord, make me better...
Ash

chapel today

Another Chapel post... hmmm interesting

Today we walked in to chapel in silence and were told to prepare our hearts... I spent some of it in prayer some of it trying to figure something out that have been going on in my own life(ask me and I will tell you, some of you may or may not know). The last annaligy really got me, because it is SOOO true in my life. Only .1% of the levies (pretty sure I spelled that wrong) broke in New Orleans causing the massive devistation. In regards to the last chapter of Phillipians... if we let one little thing cloud our minds or our hearts... it could mean massive devistation. The enemy is always looking for the perfect moment when your gaurd is down and when you can simply slip up. The Evil one is always watching and waiting to get you when you are down or not expecting it... Lord, I have had so many little slip ups that could have been truly devistating. Thank you for protecting me from the worst. Help me to always live as if Heaven is my home, and always focus on you. Keeping my life in line w/ your word and living your will for my life, no matter what that is. Its not for my glory but for yours that I live my life, help me to remember that. I love you Lord
In Jesus name,
Amen

Worship

I am guilty, actually we all are. Yet God is faithful, He is soo worthy to be praised. How is it that we spend our days doing things that don't involve Him at all? For some reason I can't seem to figure it out. Everything we do could be worship unto God, but it isn't. He is so worthy of our praise, and so merciful to us. Why do we worship other things. Look at your life, take a good look at it... I'll bet you that there is something in it that you find, "more worthy" than God, and by this I mean you talk constantly about your new beau, you strive to be the richest, you strive to look the best, to have the best things, to have the fastest car, the newest game system, the newest and best whatever. We as humans spend so much of our time doing things, and worrying about things that just don't matter. Should I care about my grades and do my best yes, but does this mean I sacrifice my relationship w/ God to get the A? Can studying be a form of worship? You are what you do... How am I spending my time? As a student of course I'm studying, and hanging out w/ friends, but in how much of this am I praising my Lord and Savior? How much more I could be serving Him! Oh how much more I could be praising Him... yet I don't.... why???
Lord, I want to love you with my whole heart, and I know that in this earth it may or may not be posible, but I want to strive to put you on the throne every singel day of my life, and continue to surrender all to you, surrender everything, even the things that I have not even considered giving to you, I pray that you find them and take them. I am scared because I know that this is going to be hard, but I know that you are faithful and worthy to be praised and you deserve my all. My everything is yours, always. Help me to live each day to love and serve you more than the one before that I might show the world your glory.
In Jesus presious name,
Amen

why oh why do guys suck? Ok not really... but yes... ahhhh

chapel today

How am I living??? Who are my hero's? Am I joyful in all situations? Who do I belong to? So in chapel today God challenged me. I look up to alot of people I shouldn't. I am not one to be "oh my gosh she is so famous, I want to be just like her" But I have been known to be like, "She is so pretty, I wish I could look like her" but God reminded me today that, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! My life is not my own, it is His. I am a slave to Christ, I have nothing, I am nothing. This semester feels like it is just going to fly by, it feels as if anything I do will just be something I do and not something to futher His kingdom. I have said some goals of this semester are t be 1) more disipaned in some ways and 2) to be more spontanious, and not such a scheduall freak. I know that these seem to clash, but I think I need a healthy dose of both right now. But first and formost my goal this semester will be Christ, really learning what it means to be His completly and acting that out. This is going to be very hard, because it means that I have to pay attention to every thought, every word, every action and make sure they are all glorifying to Christ. Is it possible? All things are possible through Christ who streanghtens me -Phillipians 4:13 This is going to be an intresting journy this semester, as I continue to grow and mold into the person God is calling me to be. He is challenging me and pushing me farther than I thought possible, but He is good, and I will rejoice always in Him. To my lobby friends... Thank you for being here for me, I love you all!