There is something about a challenge

There is something about a challenge. Something about wanting to excel, wanting to push yourself beyond limits. I for one, love a challenge. When I see one, it feels like I have a chance to prove myself. Why do I love to prove myself? I really don't know, but I know that when I am presented with a challenge I try to rise above it with grace and strength.

How I wish I was always full of grace and strength. There are times when challenges seem so big, all I want to do is run from them. Why is that? It is because I am afraid that I will fail, and prove to myself and the world that I am not cut out to do what I do.

What is the difference between a challenge and a really big challenge? I have no idea. In my head, there are some things that are so big, I feel as if I could never accomplish them and any challenge feels discouraging in that area. Yet, another challenge presents it's self that is in all reality bigger than a discouraging one, and for some reason, it sparks a fire under me that makes me want to rise up and succeed in a big way.

While I do not know what the actual difference is, I know that I can control one thing about it. My attitude. I can choose to see the challenge as too big, or one that is a mere small hurdle. If I chose to take the second route, how much more often would I succeed in all the little challenges life brings my way?

why am I up at 5am?

I opened my eyes. 5am on the dot. Fine I'll brave the cold to relieve my screaming bladder. I can't sleep. My one day to sleep in a bit, and I can't sleep. I try. I try some more. I wake up my husband, oopps. and try some more to sleep. There are too many things racing through my mind right now. Camp. Packing. Coffee date. Car in shop. Money. Go to sleep. It's 6:30, I give up.

I'm up now, and the snow covered mountains look so inviting. I can't wait to be up there, in the snow. Praying that it doesn't snow on us during the drive. Praying we are all safe. Praying that Matt's car gets out of the shop on time. Praying that my kids have an amazing weekend, and that they lean something. I can't wait, I feel like a kid on christmas morning. Except not only am I going to camp, I'm responsible for 8 kids that aren't mine. If something happens, its on me. Perhaps that is why I can't sleep, so I'm blogging instead.

I have been on a blogging rampage lately, and I kinda like it. It feels good to be creative again. To post, instead of just write. While I'm at camp I have scheduled two posts, hopefully that will work... I haven't done that before. Have a great weekend everyone!

One reason Matt is my love...

There are many reasons why I married the best man in the ENTIRE world. Tonight, I just want to share with you a small bit of my amazing man. You see my husband enjoys working with teenage students, but I'm the children's pastor. That means my oldest kid is 11. Yet, my amazing husband has selflessly offered his assistance to me at many events, church services and tomorrow, CAMP. To many going to camp brings back fond childhood memories, and if it was a winter camp perhaps a memory of ambushing the councilor or camp director. Well my wonderful amazing husband is braving three days and two nights with boys who range from 8-10. I am so excited for him to share coming to camp with me and being involved in my ministry is so huge for me. I LOVE it. Even though he may not. I know that in the end he will have fun, but this isn't his thing. He is doing it for me... because he loves me. He is my sanity when I am stressed, and it will be so nice to have him be supporting me this weekend as it is my first time being the person "in-charge" of my church group. So thank you babe, you are awesome! I promise to try and protect you from the snowball ambush that is inevitable.

New look

I gave my blog a new look today. The pink was beginning to be a bit much, and I haven't changed it since I started the blog 5 years ago. The picture at the top is from the French country side. It was taken on a walking path through Couzier a small community of about 100 people. It was one of the most amazing walks I have ever taken in my life. The sky reminds me to always look for and follow my dreams. How cool would it be if we always lived following our dreams?

February already!

This weekend is winter camp. I'm taking 8 3-5th graders up to Alpine for the weekend. I'm very excited to do this, and hoping that the weather reports are correct and we get some snow on Saturday. For my desert kids, this is HUGE! Pray for safe travels, tons of fun and possibly some sleep for me and the other two adults going. Last winter I went to the Jr. High winter camp to help out and we had a TON of snow! Here to hoping for the same for my kids.

Also, this morning I got a tweet on my phone that the suspense was FINALLY over and the results were in for my friend Tabitha's Blog contest. I click the link on my phone, I couldn't watch the video because my husband who was still sleeping next to me would have been grumpy. I didn't need to, apparently, I WON the blog portion of the giveaway! *celebration dance* It was a fun way to start my morning, and I'm excited for the book (one that has been and Starbucks card that comes with it! Thanks Tab (do you even go by that anymore?) for a cool giveaway contest, and picking me! Perhaps I should try a giveaway sometime to smoke out some of the people who are secretly reading this blog, yes, I'm talking to you...

On a completely separate note, I can't believe that it is already February! I mean, wasn't it just Christmas like 2-3 weeks ago? Time this month has flown past me and has made me realize that I have not been intentional with my time. I can't name one thing that I did that was significant in the last month. I need to be better at that, well that and many other things. Here is to a new month, a new day and continuing the process of being better.

Admission: I am Jealous

Warning, way random, changes directions 3ish times... sry just me. :)

So I was looking at a few friends pictures recently, whom shall remain nameless, and I found myself coveting their lifestyle. It's not that I want their stuff, its not my "style", I just want the ability to take a romantic weekend away with my husband. I mean, we are newly weds, aren't we supposed to spend the first year of marriage fritting about and taking a few long weekends, enjoying us? I see people getting bigger places, and look at my crammed one bedroom apartment, overflowing STILL with unpacked boxes, wishing it were a two bedroom. I see people buying new furniture, and I look at the two couches, and dinning room set Matt and I have, all free, all older than we are. I see people planing vacations, and I'm looking at our bank account trying to figure out what two people could do for less than $400 if we can even save that much. I'm not saying all of this to have a pity party or to try and make people feel sorry for me. I honestly am so very thankful that Matt and I have all we do. We took a total leap of faith when we got married with no job security because it was what God called us to, I just want more...

I feel guilty for wanting more. Whenever I get like this, I look at the pictures I have from Kenya. Of people who have literally nothing. I am reminded that I really should be thankful. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, who loves me and would do nearly anything to make me happy. I job, that I LOVE serving in a local church teaching Jesus to kids. I have so much to be thankful for, it is sometimes hard for me to not secretly want a new wardrobe, to be able to go out to a nice dinner with my husband, to be able to fix our car and put money in our savings account.

For now, this is where God has us, and I am reminded to be thankful for all I have, to be joyful for those who have more, and to pray for those who need more.

Is it wrong to want this blog to be meaningful? I do, but I'm not quite sure how to do it. *sigh, life is crazy and I don't have time to put a ton of effort into this, but at the same time, I guess I want more than I can put it, which I know isn't possible. I feel like I'm just living life, nothing fun/exciting or anything like that. Just living life, moving 100 mph and not actually connecting with anyone. I feel as if my friendships are drifting away slowly, like my friends are all at an arms length. Matt and I never get invited anywhere anymore. We host a game night once a week, and that is good for connecting, and we have our life group which is also good. I just feel like the deeper relationships aren't happening and its frustrating me to no end. Just my little rant, about life going to fast, and reminding myself that I need to slow down and invest my time in the right things. If I don't plan to do it, it wont happen...

Wind in my sails

God's word is my strength when I have none, my encouragement when all seems bleak, it is the truth that all truth is from.

Psalm 40:1-3

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

This is in specific regards to my post earlier this week. God is good. I have so much going on in my ministry it is exciting that whenever I get discouraged, God gives me what I need to go on. I know that I am where God has called me, and that is exciting!

Blogging

Prompt from Tabitha's blog for a cool giveaway: Tell me about a time when blogging changed your life...

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you did an art project? Regardless of how awkward it looked, your mother would look at it and tell you that it was the best picture she had ever seen. It didn't matter if your horse looked more like a shoe, or if your house looked like a monkey, your art was good. As a kid, you could draw anything you wanted, you could fearlessly create, knowing that your mom would love it.

I still love to be creative, but one can't get away with shoe's for horses and get someone to tell you your picture looks good at the age of 23. You see, I love to sing and write lyrics, but none are "good enough" to be more than mere journal entries and my voice is causes those sitting near me in church on Sundays to scoot a bit further away. I love to paint and create art, but it ends up looking like an elementary kid did it, and is not something that should be hung anywhere except maybe my mom's fridge. I love to be crafty and do things like scrapbook, quilt, sew, etc, yet each of these endeavors never measures up to the grand image I have in my head of what they are "supposed" to look like. Most of all, I love to write. I have secret dreams of becoming an author. Being given enough inspiration to write something that will be meaningful to people. Something that would make a difference, something that would help others in some way. I feel like I can express myself through words, it is a talent however I feel I do not have. I have always had a journal/diary/blog and been able to write as much as I wanted. Most of my blog posts over the years have been private because I either was uncomfortable sharing what was going on with others, or I feared that my blogging material was "inadequate" or would be a boar for my friends to read.

I have had this blog for almost 5 years now and publicly haven't done much with it. Before this I had a livejournal, a xanga and other online blogy type things where I would share my thoughts and experiences in life with friends, and they would comment on them. At some point, I stopped because people either stopped reading/commenting/caring about what I wrote. I mean I'm only 23, when I write about my life, only those close to me would care. When I write about my experiences, I am not eloquent enough to have followers, I used to feel that if no one was reading it, there was no point to putting it out there. Then something happened. I don't know if it was a sudden or a gradual realization, but all of the sudden I realized that my blog was for me. It didn't matter if no one read it, it was for me. It was for me to express myself however "good" or "bad" the blog was by other's standards doesn't matter. This blog is my outlet to be creative, something I love to do, something that gives me joy.

Blogging changed me, it made me realize that doing your best and putting it out for the world to see is something for me. It is my outlet, and my canvas to make whatever I want happen. Making this realization in blogging has helped open my eyes to other things that I feel I'm "not good at" and to not be scared of them. It has helped give me back the fearless attitude I had as a kid, and I'm better for it.

what is this?

Warning, rambling feelings that I'm trying to process ahead, proceed with caution, and don't read too much into them, just sending it out into the world...

I'm in a funk... I don't know what it is or how to shake it. I have a lack of motivation, a lack of caring. I still want to do things, I just feel like I have no energy to do them, it is a very frustrating thing for me. I feel like sleeping more than I should, I want to do nothing, literally nothing! I still love my life, love my job, my husband, etc... I just wish I knew where this feeling was coming from and how to make it go away. I have the desire to do other things, its the I want to do ______ but when it comes time to do it, all of the sudden its gone. *sigh. I want out of this funk. I want back to my normal life, where I'm full of energy and ready to do anything. I'm sure it will pass, I am still able to get done what needs to be done... I just wish I had more motivation. What is this feeling?

Wedding Day- fun pictures

So I finally married the love of my life on September 5th 2009. The day started pretty early for me as my hair appointment was at 7:30. We then went to the wedding venue Woodhaven Country club, and started the rest of the getting ready process. Miss Alexa did my makeup

Then I got to get into my beautiful wedding gown... which had been sitting in a closet for nearly the entire 2+ year engagement!

I had real buttons on it, so my girls had to button them all up, it was really great to have so many wonderful friends around me as I was getting ready.

Here is a close up shot of my train, garter and shoes. Yes I wore flip-flops!

A glamor shot of my dress, this is why I love it, look at the back!

FINALLY the time came, and my daddy got to walk me down the aisle to Star wars... all of Matt's friends thought I was the coolest! Don't worry I took the pretty part from the ceremony at the end of the 6th and cut if off before the them song started. :)

We were blessed to have my boss, and pastor Mark do the ceremony for us. It was really simple and sweet.
Both Matt and I REALLY enjoyed this part. Lol, I was so not expecting him to be so passionate! We both decided that our favorite part of the wedding was being pronounced man and wife, and then hearing the applause and cheers from our family and friends as we were presented.
We had the MOST AWESOME cake ever! There were hidden Mickey's on it!
Here is one of the portrait pics...
We ate...
Danced...
and RAN FOR IT!
We are now enjoying our happily after.

All of these pictures were captured by the amazing Katie McGiohn!

Formal shots coming soon!

2010 wow!

I know I have completely neglected this blog! Here is a quick update of the last few months as well as a few goals for the next year:

August: Was crazy planing for and prepping for the amazing wedding that I have been waiting so long to have. Matt started to move into the apartment, and honestly, it was a complete blur full of wedding crazies and unfortunately some wedding drama, but I suppose that can never be avoided.

September: I married the man of my dreams. After nearly 3 years together we finally got married and got to go on our honeymoon. I will be posting a full wedding details list later, as well as a few honeymoon pictures.

October: Was full of October Blast planing, and trying to get back into ministry after a week honeymoon and trying to settle into a routine of being married, working full time, and being involved in many things. It was fun and went way too fast!

November: Started the rush of the holidays as well as a very important event, I became "Pastor of Children's Ministries". I am now a licensed pastor! It is what God has called me to and I'm very excited about it!

December: Christmas was crazy, honestly it really went from the week before Thanksgiving to the week after Christmas. We spent tons of time with family, and most of our time in LA/OC it was crazy! Also, Matt's mom got good news of being able to take a 6-12 month break from chemo! A huge blessing and Christmas present for her!

Honestly the last few months have been such a blur, I'm loving being married to the love of my life it is honestly the most amazing thing ever!

A few goals for the new year (in random order with little detail):

• Become a blogger by posting to this blog and my other ministry blog at least 2x's a month, plus my work blog 1x a week
• Become healthier by working out and eating better
• Become more organized by devoting time to organizing 1x a week
• Become a better Christ-follower by going deeper in my walk and sticking to my "JAM" times
• Become a better wife, friend, pastor and person by developing my character and being open to criticism, and DOING something about it.
• Become more disciplined in all areas of my life.

Maybe once I build my blog up a bit more, I'll start sharing the link with more people but until then, the few people who still check this... stay with me, more WILL be coming... even though this is like the 3rd time I've said that. LOL!

So as someone who typically blogs/journals, (mostly the later) it seems insane that I have not in so long. It is in times of extreme stress and craziness that I need to write, but have difficulty finding the time to do so. There are many things I wish to process all with so many different topics, some are very short, and others are very long. So here is my goal, between now and my wedding I am going to blog about the following:

*Summer Blast

*Church and community

*VBS- the why

*Wedding updates (2-3ish)

*Why I love Matt and am going to marry him

I have several more that I would LOVE to process, however I don’t want to make my return to blogging to daunting of a task so close to the wedding. As for now, I will leave you all with a brief update of my life the last few months.

*I am the Children’s director of a wonderful church called Desert Springs.

*I am getting married to Matt on September 5^th after over 2 years of being engaged

*I am living in an apartment on my own in which I will soon have a permanent roommate

*I am living in the desert, after swearing to never move here again… *sigh

*I am LOVING where God has me and am so thankful to be here, even when its rough.

*I miss all of my wonderful Biola friends

*God is good, always

God is good

I can't believe all that God has done in my life the past year. One year ago, I was living in whittier, working at Disney trying to figure out if I should get my teaching credentials because there was no way I was going back to ministry.

Then:

July - I was getting very few hours at Disney and a friend of mine from Biola was hired at a church in my home town...

August - My mom fell twice and broke two

bones, I came home to help her while my dad was gone...

September - I ended up subbing for my mom and staying in the desert Monday - Friday going to visit Matt every weekend

October - I decided to go for a teaching program and enrolled in the Chapman program in the Desert, and gave notice in my apartment in Whittier, and bought my 1st Mac, I will never go back!

November - I started helping out a little bit with my friend from Biola's jr. High group, Matt started working in Porterville Monday - Friday and I was in the desert more full time.

December - Matt and I decided that by next Christmas we would be married.

January - Matt's mom got diagnosed with Breast Cancer (originally we were told stage one and found out later in the month that it was stage 4) This was a very bitter month for me as i was frustrated with life, and where God had me, as I worked to seek Him, I slowly found peace and a "wait" feeling

February - Matt and I hit 2 years of being engaged, I continued my teaching program and trying to figure out what to do with my life. I went to Winter camp with the Jr. High group and began to help more often with them.

March - At the end of the month, I found out that the Children's position at the church I had been volunteering at was opening, that day I turned in my resume and my life changed.

April - On the 1st I was hired as the Interim director of Children's Ministry at Desert Springs Church. Matt and I decided to get married sooner than later.

May - I moved into my own 1 bed apartment and fell in love with ministry again. Matt and I set a wedding date of Sepember 5th 2009

which brings me to...

June - I am now officially the Director of Children's Ministry at Desert Springs Church. Matt passed his CHP interview and I am busy wedding planing. Matt's mom is still fighting the cancer, but has a positive outlook. God has seriously been blessing me like crazy right now. I am at a place in my life where even though things are spinning around me, I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. It is so far from 1 year ago, but I know that my heart was made for ministry, it was just in God's timing for it to happen at the right place. I am so thankful for that and the opportunity to serve God in the church teaching His kids. It is absolutely amazing.

Finally a blog!

So I finally got a CAMERA!!! SOOO excited about this fact! I spent my tax rebate money on it, and had so much fun with it at winter camp. I just got back from Jr. High winter camp with Desert Springs. I had so much fun with all these girls

They are all amazing gals, this was our themed dinner of mismatched.

So I love, love, love ministry. This weekend totally reaffirmed this in me. I got no sleep, ate enough junk food to last 3 life times, threw tons of snowballs, cried/prayed with hurting girls, sang songs, acted in a silly skit.

A highlight:

The DEEP amazing SNOW

my foot sunk into past knee deep

There was also an amazing Zip line

and tube run

The speaker was amazing. ALL of my girls were in tears, they were absolutely touched by the power of God. The theme was Misplaced, and it discussed how we have "misplaced" our hope in other things, rather than God. I am so thankful that God is in charge and moved! I pray that these girls will continue to put their hope in God. Such an AMAZING weekend, I am so exhausted, but it was totally worth it. More to come later, now that I can post pics again! :)

I know I don't write like I should...

So much has happened in my life. God is stretching me so much right now, its to a point where I feel like I'm going to snap. I am so thankful for Matt, I know he feels so helpless in this situation right now. I am so thankful that he will sit next to me, hold me and then pray for me. What a huge blessing in my life. I sit here with my cup of noodles, wondering how and when God is going to provide for me. I know He will, its not a question of that, it is when and how. It also is a matter of will I let Him. I am so proud, I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting that if I don't find a second job or a better one soon, I will be forced to move home and live with my parents. I will be forced to make a new life for myself back where I grew up and will be far away from the people i love who support me the most. I don't know if that's God's plan... to force me to move home. Or if He just wants me to trust him. I'm so mixed right now, and I'm so ... *le sighhhhhhhh* I have no idea what is going on and I'm just trusting and praying and praying and trusting and I"m not sure what He will do, which is always scary. Please pray for me, as God is pulling me and molding me and I feel as if I am barely holding on. Yet I know that He will be there to catch me if I can't.

How would you live it...

Would the actions of your daily life change, if there were hidden camera's everywhere and that footage would be broadcasted throughout the world?

Sometimes I wish reality TV were actually real. I wish that I had a camera following me around, examining my every word, action and reaction to life. How much better would I behave? What in my life would change if I knew that my words would come back to the person I said looked fat in that dress? What about the dirty look I gave behind my mom's back after she asked me to do something I didn't want to do? All these little things that we think we do in secret. What would happen if they were broadcasted for all to see? Would we loose friendships? Would we be seen as a different person? Would we change how we act?

How we act when we think no one is looking is an indicator of our hearts condition. It is our true self, and how we really feel. Here is the kicker. Not only does God see all of these little things we do, he actually sees the condition of our heart. He actually knows all of the dirty thoughts and feelings that cause these little expressions. Personally, my heart is hard, and I am a sinner, and if people saw these little things I do and say, they most likely wouldn't care for me any more. Let alone if they knew what my wicked heart was actually thinking. God knows all of these things, and still LOVES ME! God loves me regardless of all the wickedness that is in my heart. He forgives me and wants to make me a better person. God knows all the little wicked areas of my life that I would much rather forget about and ignore. Because he loves me, he shows them to me, and helps me work on them. He is like my reality TV cameras, except so much better, because he is on my side giving me strength and knows me better than I know myself.

So comming back worked well

So me and returning to blog spot didn't really happen... I think I'm going to change this into a me working out my thoughts and beliefs on socity and what is going on in the world as well as movie reviews and things of that nature, not so much personal stuff and more stuff random people in cyberspace would want to read... or maybe I will start an entirely new blog to do that and leave this more personal.. not sure yet, but here are some awesome and recent photo's of Matt and I and then my graduation....

So I think I'm back to stay

This is my new favorite picture in the world... Thanks to my amazing FMIL who is awesome with a camera!




I have decided that I need to document the next year of my life for many reasons.

1) I am horrible at keeping a journal, but I love going back and seeing what God has done in my life

2) I love pictures, and want to stay in contact with everyone now that I am not in college.

3) This is my last year as a single crazy girl

4) I need space to create and make my own...



Be patient with me as this is a work in progress...



For starters... my amazing night tonight.

We played pictionary and BANG. This is the original Monday night game crew. We had a reunion tonight, because Mike and Katherine were back for Christmas from Co. I forgot how much I missed game nights. They are a great time to relax and have lots of fun with friends. Plus you get amazing inside jokes like cheese broccoli pizza. :)

Christmas

And now Christmas was fun, my grandparents from Chicago were in... this is Matt and I with them in front of our tree...

Matt got me this amazing necklace, which I absolutely LOVE! :) Thanks Matt!

back for now

I am back to blogger... I'm not sure if I will stay or not, but I am considering making this more of a way to talk about stuff in the world rather than my own stuff which if you care, will be on my xanga. So as soon as finals are over and in case I don't die (being as sick as I am), I will make my first post.